Demon in my Heart
by tearsbehindthemask
Summary: Sam discovers that his feelings for Dean are different from the feelings that any brother should have; he tries to deny that he has fallen for his brother, wondering what the hell is wrong with him. WARNING: Wincest
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone!  
****Oh God... I started watching Supernatural about a month ago... I keep asking myself why I keep hurting myself in this way :') All the feels!  
****Yeah, anyway... I couldn't help shipping Sam and Dean, they're just too adorable not to. So, here's the first chapter of my story, I hope you'll like it;)**

**Lots of Love,  
****Tearsbehindthemask**

Sam sighed as he closed his laptop and took another sip of his beer. He took another look at the clock on the wall of the motel room, an atrocity that was penguin shaped because of reasons that were still completely incomprehensible to Sam.  
Thursday night, one 'o clock. Dean hadn't come back to their room since he'd walked out six hours ago, saying that he was going to get some pie. Sam checked his phone.  
No missed calls.  
"What the hell, Dean…"  
Sam walked over to his bed and took the remote control from Dean's nightstand. Changing channels every five seconds, Sam wondered how long it would take Dean to get back. He could watch… No, too risky. Dean could get back any minute…

A beautiful, blonde woman was undressing herself. A muscular man sat on a red sofa and watched her striptease, smiling and licking his lips.

Sam licked his lips. He shouldn't be watching this. This was so wrong.

The blonde walked over to the sofa and the man ripped off her lace lingerie.  
"Now, now, don't be hasty, boy." the woman purred, as she pushed the man back into the sofa. "I don't think you've deserved a reward like this, do you?"  
"Please. Please, I'll do anything…" the man whimpered, "Fuck, you're hot…"  
"You'll do anything?"  
"Anything."  
"Get on your knees." the woman said, smiling dangerously, showing off her perfect, white teeth.  
"What?"  
"Do it!"  
The man kneeled on the floor and the woman squatted besides him, grabbing a handful of his hair, pulling the man's head back.  
"Now, I think you need to be punished first…"

The door opened and Sam dove for the remote control, changing channels just in time to make sure that Dean did not see the blonde woman spanking the man with a ruler.  
"…Dean! … Where have you been?"  
Sam sat up and crossed his legs, feeling very uncomfortable. Dean's timing was terrible, as usual.  
"Sammy! You still up?" Dean called, sounding way to enthusiastic and more than a little drunk, "That's great! I, uh…"  
Dean got distracted by the television and he raised his eyebrows.  
"Since when are you into cooking?"  
"I… What?"  
Sam looked at the television and it took him a while to realise that he was watching the Cooking Channel.  
"Oh, that. I, eh… I was thinking that maybe we should start cooking more healthy meals instead of our everyday take-out."  
Dean looked as if Sam had just slapped him in the face and Sam sighed, moving his legs, trying to regain control over his body.  
"Never mind. Dean, do you have any idea what time it is?"  
Dean rolled his eyes. "I don't know, dude, but I'm guessing it's 'Sammy-acts-like-a-little-bitch' time."  
"Dean, are you drunk?"  
Just his luck. Dean being drunk while he was in this… situation.  
"Maybe a little." Dean said, smirking. "Oh, by the way, I wanted to introduce you to someone."  
Dean walked out of the door and came back with an equally drunk, stunning brunette whom he introduced as Candy.  
"Nice to meet you… Candy." Sam said, feeling terribly uncomfortable.  
"You didn't say you had a boyfriend, Dean." Candy giggled.  
"Oh, don't worry, doll. That's my little brother, Sammy."  
"Is he into threesomes?" Candy 'discretely' whispered into Dean's ear; too drunk to notice that Sam could hear everything she said.  
Sam swallowed hard, forcing himself to think of anything but sex. Sadly, it was quite difficult to think about advanced mathematics or civil codes at that moment.  
"I don't think he is," Dean smirked, "and trust me, I'll be more than enough man for you tonight…"  
Dean and Candy started making out and Sam looked away quickly, coughing awkwardly to make clear that he was still in the room.  
"Ah, Sammy… Would you mind giving me and Candy a bit of privacy?"  
"Privacy? What…? Dean, it's one-thirty! Where am I supposed to go?"  
Dean shrugged. "I dunno. You're a big boy, Sammy, you'll figure something out."  
Sam clenched his fists, but knew that anger wasn't going to help him solve this problem.  
"You owe me, Dean. Big time." Sam muttered, grabbing his coat and slamming the door behind him.

Sam stood outside, wondering where he should go. He forgot to take the keys of the Impala, so he couldn't even try to get some sleep in the car.  
"Damn."  
Sam walked past the window of their motel room, the thin, yellowed lace curtains not enough to hide the scene inside from him.

Dean pushed Candy down onto bed and took off his shirt, revealing his broad chest and muscular arms. Candy bit her lip seductively and took of her pink tank top, a similarly coloured bra covering her breasts.  
Dean climbed onto the bed, his knees ending up on both sides of Candy's hips; he stroked her dark hair and suddenly grabbed a handful of chocolate brown curls, pulling her head back and kissing her forcefully. In one fluent movement, Dean removed Candy's jeans skirt and panties. Candy undid Dean's zipper and freed Dean's erection. Between them, there was no time for tenderness, there was only lust and natural instinct.

Sam gasped as he saw Candy and his brother and felt excitement welling up in him. He couldn't take his eyes of the scene in the motel room, he just had to watch. He couldn't help it.  
Dean's muscles tensed and relaxed, sweat drops rolling down his skin and low moans escaping his throat.  
Sam turned away and couldn't find the strength to support himself anymore; he sank down on the tiles under the window and held his head in his hands. Sam was shaking, his body unable to release the tension that had built up in his groin, a lump in his throat threatening to suffocate him.  
What the hell was wrong with him? He had just watched his brother have sex, and watching Dean and the girl had excited him more than anything else had lately.  
Sam punched the ground, the force of the blow hurting the bones in his entire arm and the rough tiles scraping his knuckles badly.  
The worst part of it all: it wasn't just the sex that had excited him. It was Dean's body and the ease with which Dean took the lead in bed that had made him feel like this. It was impossible to admit, but he gladly would've taken Candy's place in Dean's bed.  
Sam hugged his knees, trying to stop the shaking and hid his face.  
What the hell was wrong with him?


	2. Chapter 2

**Supernatural has seriously ruined my life. I can't do anything unless it has something to do with Supernatural at the moment. Right now it's just watching SPN, reading SPN novels, reading SPN fanfics, writing SPN fanfics, checking out SPN pictures on Tumblr, watching SPN crackvideos and crying over how perfect all of these gorgeous men are.**  
**Still love this series to death, of course. Anywayyy, here's chapter 2! Enjoy reading!**

**Lots of love, Tearsbehindthemask**

"Bye, babe. I had a great night."  
"Yeah, me too…"  
Candy fidgeted with her hair and added: "Call me?"  
"Sure thing."  
Dean happily answered Candy's fierce kiss, caressing her beautiful, brown hair one last time, so that he'd remember those curls. He was never going to call her.

Dean watched Candy walk away and smirked as his eyes lingered at her amazing buttocks; he could still recall the feeling of his hands touching that and…  
"I assume you two had a good night?"  
Dean reached for his gun as he turned around but relaxed as soon as he saw his little brother sitting under their motel room window.  
"Sammy? What are you doing here?"  
Dean hid his gun under his jacket again as Sam got up and stretched his absurdly long limbs.  
"I was waiting until you finally got out of bed."  
Dean gave Sam a questioning look and didn't seem to understand why Sam would do something like that. Sam sighed and rolled his shoulders in an attempt to get rid of the tension that had built up there, due to sitting in an uncomfortable position in the cold all night.  
"Well, after you kicked me out and I forgot to take the car keys, I didn't exactly have a choice."  
"I… eh…"  
Dean awkwardly scratched his head as he remembered how he had sent Sam away when he got back to the motel with Candy.  
"I'm sorry, Sammy. I wasn't thinking…" Dean stopped talking mid-sentence and rubbed the stubble on his chin. "Hold on a minute, why didn't you just get yourself another motel room?"  
Sam rolled his eyes. "I'd have had to use one of my own credit cards. They'd figure out that I'd been using a false name and that might've raised some suspicion…"  
"Damn… I'm really sorry, Sam…"  
Sam shrugged and muttered something unintelligible. It would be useless to argue about this with his brother anyway. Not to mention that it was difficult just looking at his brother without turning into a tomato, remembering everything he'd seen that night. And damn, had he seen things.  
"Let me make it up to you." Dean said, clapping his big, little brother on the shoulder, "You go in and take a nap, I'll get us some breakfast and coffee. Hell, I'll even order a chick-coffee with whipped cream and vanilla for you, just as you like it."  
Sam chuckled and smiled at his brother. "That sounds great."  
"Well then, Sleeping Beauty," Dean said, reaching out to his brother and tucking a lock of his longish, smooth hair behind his ear, "Sleep tight, and I'll see you in a bit."  
Sam could only nod, his breath caught in his throat, as Dean smiled his mischievous smile and walked over to the Impala. Sam made a dash for the motel room and closed the door behind him. His fingers played with the lock of hair that Dean had touched, fragments of Dean's night with Candy going through his mind.  
The same fingers that had so gently pushed his own hair away, grabbing a fistful of curls and pulling the girl's head back. Those fingers trailing the shape of the girl's body. Those hands, forceful but passionate, controlling their movements. The muscles in Dean's arms and the rest of his body tense and beautiful…  
Sam took a deep breath and realised that it'd be better to take a shower before he'd lay down. Why couldn't he just stop thinking about what he had seen that night?

Sam turned on the shower and shivered as the cold water soaked his hair and ran down his body.  
He needed the cold; he needed the water to cleanse him. The webs in his brain needed to be flushed out. Why would he get excited just thinking about his brother? Sam was trying to convince himself that it was the sex that had excited him, blaming it on the fact that he hadn't gotten any for months.  
Yeah, right. Fooling himself had never been that easy.  
Sam had to admit that he'd developed feelings for his brother. New and frightening feelings that were just plain wrong. You did not feel sexual attraction when you were thinking about your naked brother. Hell, you didn't even think about your naked brother! It was sickening.

Sam's eyes shot open as Dean opened the front door and came in with two paper bags and a tray with two cups of coffee.  
"Wakey, wakey, Sammy. Coffee time!"  
Sam rubbed his eyes and took one of the bags that Dean was dangling in front of his face.  
"Thanks…"  
"Yeah, sure. Oh, your coffee didn't work out, by the way."  
Sam raised his eyebrow and took a sandwich from the paper bag, wondering what kind of excuse Dean had come up with this time.  
"I, eh… Yeah. It was just too embarrassing to order that stuff that you call coffee. I just got you a regular cup of coffee and poured a truckload of milk in it."  
"Uhm… thanks. I guess."  
Sam took the coffee and Dean made himself comfortable on the other bed; he turned on the radio and searched for music that agreed with his specific taste. When Sam heard a few notes from an ACDC song, he knew that Dean had found his new favourite radio station for the week.  
"Sweet." Dean mumbled, taking a swig of coffee.  
Neither of them said anything as they ate their breakfast and drank their coffee. Dean would occasionally hum along to a guitar solo and Sam would smile to himself, only now noticing how endearing it was.  
Most of the time, Dean was a well-trained soldier, tough and serious; humming along with his favourite songs, Dean was like a happy kid again, a sight that Sam didn't get to see that often anymore. At times, Sam missed the old, less serious Dean. He didn't love him less for the person he was now, though.  
"So, did you find out anything new about the haunting, yesterday?"  
Sam swallowed the last bite of his breakfast and shrugged.  
"Seems like we're dealing with a traditional haunting here. Salting and burning the bones should do the trick."  
Dean rubbed the stubble on his chin again and found it too rough for his liking.  
"Okay, then. I'll go take a shower and shave, and we'll drop by the cemetery tonight to burn the bitch and finish this job."  
Sam nodded, knowing that digging up a grave wasn't an option at broad daylight.  
"Yeah, sure. We'll go… find something else to do this afternoon then."  
"We could just take a break today, Sammy. You know, do some sightseeing, have a few beers, that kind of thing."  
"…Yeah, sure."  
Dean flashed Sam a gorgeous smile before disappearing in the bathroom, leaving the door ajar to let some air in.

He shouldn't watch.  
Sam swallowed hard and tried to get a better view of the bathroom without making too much noise or looking suspicious; it proved to be quite difficult, but Sam finally found a good position on the bed, turning on the television and pretending to be watching the news. And what news it was.  
Sam could see Dean in the shower, foam in his hair and his back to him. Obviously, it wasn't his back that Sam was looking at.  
"Why the hell am I doing this?" Sam breathed, unable to look away from his brother as he turned around and started washing the foam out of his hair.  
Dear God.  
Even though Sam and Dean had been sleeping in the same motel rooms most of their lives, Sam hadn't seen his brother full frontal in a long time. He thought he kind of understood why Candy had been making the noises she had last night now.  
When Dean stepped out of the shower, Sam directed his gaze at the television.  
"You watching cooking shows again?" Dean called from the bathroom.  
Sam chuckled as he secretly watched Dean wrap a towel around his waist.  
"Not today, Dean. I gave up the idea of cooking healthy food after you walked in last night."  
"Ah, thank God." Dean laughed, "Just so you'll know, I'll never give up my burgers."  
"I know, Dean." Sam sighed, smiling to himself.

After Dean got dressed, they decided to leave the Impala in the parking lot and walk to the bar that was closest to their motel; it was a ten-minute walk, and Sam wondered how drunk-Dean and drunk-Candy had made their way back to the motel room last night from wherever they had been drinking and how long it had taken them.


	3. Chapter 3

**My chapter two turned out to be longer than expected, so I magically turned it into two chapters :')  
****Once again, I hope you'll enjoy reading!**

**Lots of love, Tearsbehindthemask**

"Greasy food and beer. I like this day."  
Sam absently sipped his beer as Dean stuffed his mouth with fries and whatsoever.  
"What's up, Sammy? Why the long face?" Dean inquired before gulping down what was left of his beer.  
Sam looked up at Dean and shrugged.  
"I don't know, Dean. I guess I'm just… tired or something."  
Dean put his beer back on the table and looked up at Sam, obviously feeling guilty.  
"Sorry about making you sleep outside, Sam. I was a bit… preoccupied last night."  
Sam snorted. "Yeah, I got that."  
When Dean wanted to reply, Sam held up his hand and shook his head.  
"It's fine, Dean. I'm fine."  
Sam finished his beer and looked around the bar, avoiding Dean's concerned eyes.  
Damn. He didn't need Dean worrying about him like that. Or maybe he did.

A blonde girl in a tiny black dress, showing cleavage that would make any porn star jealous, walked into the bar and Sam gritted his teeth as Dean's attention immediately shifted to the girl.  
"I'm gonna get another beer." Dean muttered, without taking his eyes off the blonde, "You want something?"  
Sam just stared at his brother's frame as he was getting ready to walk over to the bar so he could offer the girl a drink when she'd get there; it was one of Dean's oldest tricks and, though he would never admit it, Sam admired him for being able to pick up girls any time. Of course, Dean didn't actually need pick-up lines or tricks; with a gorgeous, muscular frame like Dean's and a pair of gorgeous eyes and almost feminine lips, Dean was already attractive enough without all of that bullshit.  
"No, I'm fine."  
"Suit yourself."

Dean picked a spot at the bar where the girl wouldn't be able to miss him and sat down to order a beer. He sat up straight, his shoulders seemingly broader than usual, and a confident smirk on his face. As he turned around and winked at Sam, Sam's face flushed, having been too immersed in observing his brother and consequently fighting the urge to run towards Dean and demand his full attention before the girl would. He quickly looked the other way, leaving Dean frowning at him as he wondered what was up with his brother.  
Dammit, Sam. You need to stop this. Now.

Dean wondered what was up with Sam, with him suddenly turning away from him. His brother was holding his head in his hands, running a hand through his longish, brown hair.  
Seriously, what was his deal? Dean had noticed that Sam had been acting kind of strange lately, he'd caught Sam staring at him at a number of times; not the usual 'I-know-you're-not-fine-Dean-so-tell-me-about-it' stare, his eyes were even more intense than when Sam stared at him like that. There was a new emotion in his eyes. Dean couldn't put his finger on it. Hell, sometimes it seemed like Sam was a completely different person than the brother he had known all of his life.  
Little Sammy had really grown up; Sam had turned into a ridiculously tall and buff chick-magnet and Dean couldn't help but feel proud of his little brother. To compensate with the tough look of his body, Sammy still had a kind face with his adorable, big eyes and framed by beautiful, brown hair. Yes, his brother had grown into a great man; the only thing that really concerned Dean was the troubled look that appeared on his face every now and then.  
The look that Sam wore on his face right now was one of the looks that worried him.  
"Hey, are you all by yourself tonight?"  
Dean looked away from his brother and looked right into the gorgeous blonde's face. Okay, he had to admit, she had looked better from a distance, but at least her body looked just as appealing as it had done from a distance.  
"No, I'm here with my brother." Dean said, pointing out Sam sitting at their table.  
"Wow, your brother is quite handsome." she said, appreciating Sam's long limbs and muscular built.  
Dean gritted his teeth. She was way too interested in his little brother.  
"Don't waste your time, sweetheart." Dean said, smiling sweetly, "He's not interested in women."  
"Oh… Right."  
Dean felt bad about lying. He wondered why it even upset him that the blonde girl was so interested in Sam. Besides, it wasn't like Dean really liked the girl.  
"Ah well, you look just as gorgeous, hun. What's your name?"  
Dean stared at the girl and realised that he didn't feel the need to get the girl a drink anymore.  
"My name is Dean. Nice meeting you."  
"Pleasure. I'm Monica."  
Monica shook Dean's hand, holding it a bit too long, and then let him go, smiling seductively as her fingers brushed his palm.  
"Well, Monica, it was indeed a pleasure. So… You have a great night."  
Dean smiled as he stood up and walked away, leaving Monica staring after him in confusion. She'd never been turned down by the men in this bar before.  
"You're not buying me a drink?" she called after him.  
"Sorry, sister. Poker game went bad."

Dean sat back down at the table and Sam couldn't help but stare at him for a while.  
"Dude. You're not gonna hit that?"  
Dean shrugged and chugged down at least half of his beer.  
"Nah. Great body, nothing more."  
"Yeah, so what's the problem?"  
Dean looked back at the blonde and shook his head.  
"I dunno, man. I guess I'm just not in the mood."  
Sam nodded, still confused. To distract him from something that Dean could not explain anyway, Dean said: "She did think you were handsome though."  
"What?"  
Dean observed his little brother to see how he'd react to what he'd just said. Sam's face didn't actually show any other emotion than confusion and Dean sighed.  
"I told her you were gay."  
"You what?" Sam asked dully.  
"Told her you were gay."  
"But I'm…"  
"I know."  
"… So why…?"  
Dean grinned and clapped Sam on the shoulder, resting his hand there for a bit and squeezing softly.  
"Her interest in you bothered me. I dunno."  
Sam sucked in his breath and couldn't stand looking into Dean's mischievously sparkling eyes for long.  
"I… eh… I just…"  
Dean took his hand off Sam's shoulder and frowned worriedly. "Hey man, I'm sorry… I didn't know you were interested in her…"  
"No! No, no, no! It's not like that…" Sam stammered, way more upset than he should be, "I… It's just…"  
"Oh, okay." Dean acknowledged, "But then… why do you look so stressed out?"  
Sam shifted his weight on his chair and looked down at the table.  
"I… No reason."  
Sam could still feel Dean's hand on his shoulder as he reached out to him again, this time putting his hand on Sam's knee.  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
Sam's chair fell over as he got up too quickly and backed away from his brother's touch.  
Dean was left staring at his little brother, hand hovering mid-air.  
"I'm fine, Dean!" Sam gulped, trying to stop the overwhelming feelings that now threatened to take away his sanity.  
"Then what the hell is this?" Dean snapped, pacing over to his brother, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.  
Sam's behaviour was really starting to worry him. It worried him when he didn't know what was troubling his little brother.  
"I just… I don't feel so good." Sam muttered, avoiding eye contact and pushing Dean's hands from his shoulders.  
"What? Like the flu? Mental breakdown? What is it?"  
"It's nothing to worry about." Sam said, shaking his head, more to convince himself than anyone else. "I just… Do you think you can deal with this gig by yourself?"  
Okay, now Dean was really, really worried.  
"What? Yeah, but why? What's the deal?"  
"I just feel really tired. Probably just something to do with my night outside… I'm just gonna go back to the motel and catch some sleep… Will you be okay by yourself?"  
Dean didn't like how Sam was acting but he shrugged and nodded, realising that he was in fact to blame for leaving Sammy out in the cold last night.  
"Yeah, sure. I'll guess I'll see you tonight then."  
"Yeah. Yeah, thanks."  
"Sammy!" Dean called, as his little brother made his way toward the exit.  
Sam turned around and Dean could've sworn that those were tears glistening in his brother's eyes.  
"I'm sorry."  
Sam nodded and got out of the bar in no time. He needed to get away from Dean; now.  
As he walked, tears streamed down his face, blurring his sight and making him feel even worse than he did at the bar.  
Dammit. Dean's concern about him had only confused him more; he had wanted to lean into Dean's touch but backed away from it. He had hated Dean for leaving him to hit on that woman, but had felt distressed when he had left her at the bar.  
What the hell was wrong with him?

When Sam got back to his room he took another cold shower. Thinking about Dean had not only caused confusion, thinking back at the slightest touch of Dean's hands on his body had stirred up a whole range of feelings of which arousal was not the least important one.  
Goddammit. There was something really fucked up about this.  
Just say it, Sam. Just admit it.  
Sam's warm tears mingled with the cold water from the shower as he sank down on the tiles and whispered, to no one in particular: "I'm in love with my brother."

As he said it, a shiver that wasn't caused by the cold water, that still continued to cool Sam's feverish body, ran down Sam's spine. How could he be in love with Dean?

Besides the whole incest issue, Sam had never considered himself to be gay.  
Well, he wasn't gay, he liked girls… So why on earth would he have feelings for his brother out of all people?!  
Sam stared at his unhealthy looking face in the mirror and his reflection stared back at him, desperate for answers.  
There was something very wrong here.  
Where had his feelings for Dean come from? When did they start?  
Of course he'd always felt very strongly about his brother, but that was only natural since they were brothers and they had nobody but each other. They had been everything to each other. Dean had been taking care of him ever since his mother died; Dean had been a mother, a father, a friend, a companion, a role model… But never a love interest.

It was a sin to think about your own brother in this way. He would never fall for his brother like this. Sam had loved his brother for all the right reasons. There was no way he would actually fall in love with his brother. It wasn't like Sam. It was impossible that he'd…  
Sam froze, a terrifying thought taking over his mind and paralysing his body. He stood in the middle of the bathroom, icy water still dripping from his hair and rolling down his bare skin.  
It wasn't him.  
Sam Winchester would never fall in love with his brother.  
Maybe someone else would.  
A man possessed could.  
Shaking uncontrollably, Sam grabbed the sink to steady himself and tried not to throw up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi readers, I'm so sorry that it took me so long to upload a new chapter! D: If you're reading this, thank you for being so patient and please forgive me for being a terrible human being. This chapter is pretty emotional for Sammy but it will get better; I won't let our baby suffer for much longer. I'm already working on chapter 5 and yes, there will be sexy timez x3 Stay tuned and enjoy reading!**

**Lots of love, Tearsbehindthemask**

"Sammy, I'm back!"**  
**

Dean opened the door of their dingy motel room and dumped a six-pack of beer, that he'd picked up at a 24/7 convenience store, on his brother's nightstand.  
The gig had been a routine job; digging up the remains of the ghost had been tedious, but salting and burning the bitch had been as easy as breathing.  
Walking back to close the door, Dean noticed the strange red markings that were on the floor. For a few seconds, his heart seemed to stop beating as his hunter instinct kicked in and he froze, getting ready to either defend himself or attack a monster.  
He was listening to the silence that fell over the room, waiting for strange noises that might betray the position of the monster in question.

Why would Sam draw a devil's trap on the floor of their motel room?

A sound came from the bathroom.  
"Sammy?!"  
Dean grabbed his gun and made a dash for the bathroom door, ready to fight with some demon scum.  
He barged into the bathroom but didn't find any demons there. It was just Sam.  
Just Sam, sitting on the bathroom floor.  
Just Sam, handcuffed to a pipe under the sink.  
Just Sam, holding a knife.  
Sam, bleeding from several deep cuts in his arm.

"Sam, what the hell is going on?"  
Dean fell on his knees, took the knife from Sam's hand and threw it away, out of the bathroom, into the motel room.  
"Why are you bleeding? Why is there a devil's trap in our motel room? Who put these handcuffs on you? Was it a demon? Sam! Is there a demon after you again?"  
Sam didn't respond to Dean's questions, he just sat on the sticky, tiled bathroom floor, staring at the blood welling up from clean cuts in his arm, blood welling up from more cuts than Dean had noticed when he had stormed into the bathroom and taken the knife from his brother. The knife that Sam had apparently used to carve into his own flesh.  
"Answer me, Sam! Dammit, Sammy! Get a hold of yourself!"

Dean slapped Sam in the face and this seemed to bring Sam back to his senses.  
"Dean… Dean… You need to perform an exorcism on me."  
Sam's broken voice sent a shiver down Dean's spine.  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
Dean angrily took Sam's face in his hands and forced him to look up into his eyes.  
"What are you talking about, Sam?"  
"There is something wrong with me, Dean."  
"What is wrong with you? Sam? Tell me what happened!"  
Sam's face was all red and puffy as if he'd been crying for a very long time; his expression was one of despair and pain.  
Dean couldn't look at his little brother like this, he couldn't bear seeing him in so much pain.

"There is something wrong with me, Dean," Sam repeated, "I… I can't control my thoughts… It's like there's someone else behind the wheel… I'm thinking of things that I shouldn't be thinking about… Dean, I think I might be possessed."  
That last sentence summoned more tears to Sam's eyes, and Dean's nails dug into Sam's cheeks.  
"Sam, I need you to focus." Dean demanded, trying hard not to let Sammy hear the panic that was taking over his mind, in his voice, "Did you see a demon around here? Have you seen any black smoke? Smelled sulphur? Any EMF?"  
Sam had started crying for real now, the worry on Dean's face and his closeness having caused the feelings for his brother to be reawakened once again. God, he felt terrible.  
"I checked everything, Dean! No EMF, no reaction to salt or holy water, no reaction to silver..."  
Dean let go of Sam's face and only then noticed the canister of salt and Sam's flask on the floor next to him. He grabbed Sam's wrist and twisted it, pulling his bloody arm towards him.  
"Why the hell would you cut yourself like this, Sammy? One cut is more than enough, you know that! Goddammit, Sam, what the hell is going on with you?"  
Sam couldn't take it anymore; he shook Dean's hand of his arm and pulled his knees towards his chest, burying his face in his arms, the handcuffs clanking loudly against the pipe.

"I need you to do an exorcism on me, Dean. There is something wrong with me."  
Dean could barely make out Sam's words, but he got the intention.  
"It would be useless to perform an exorcism, Sam! Look at yourself! You've tested yourself on every form of possession and your body didn't react to any of them. You're not possessed, Sam!"  
Sam backed away from Dean's touch, crawling as far back under the sink as his long limbs would let him.

Dean swallowed painfully; seeing his little brother like this was awful. What had happened to Sam when he was gone? Why was he torturing himself like this?  
"No… I… I have to be possessed, Dean! I… I'm so messed up!"  
"We're all a bit messed up sometimes, Sammy. That's what being a hunter does to you, you know that!"

Full psychological breakdown. Being a hunter had finally gotten the best of Sam. Dean shivered as he realised that it was all his fault… He had taken Sam away from college. He had pretty much forced Sam to come with him… It was his fault that his little brother was in this state.  
"Sammy… Sammy I'm so sorry…"  
Dean leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his little brother before he could protest and push him away.  
"Why are you sorry?" Sam mumbled, stifling a sob.  
"I'm sorry because I've dragged you into this mess…" Dean said through clenched teeth, "I'm sorry I dragged you into this life, I… I was being so selfish…"  
"Dean… Dean!" Sam pushed Dean away and looked at his brother, tears threatening to choke him, "This is not about the Life, Dean! This is about… This is about something else. It's about me. Me and my messed-up head."

"Then what is it, Sammy?" Dean exclaimed desperately, "Tell me so I can help you!"  
"You don't want to hear about this, Dean! You can't help me… I don't think anyone can."  
"Goddammit, Sammy!" Dean barked, grabbing Sam's wrists, "Just fucking tell me what's going on!"  
"Dean, I can't tell you! I just can't!"  
Dean gritted his teeth and brought Sam's hands to his cheek.  
"Dammit, I can't deal with you looking so messed up."

Sam looked down at Dean's messy hair and felt a wave of hopelessness washing over him. Getting his brother to worry about him was the last thing that he had wanted to do today. He had wanted to solve this problem by himself, before Dean got home.  
Sam pulled his hands away from his brother's warmth, causing Dean to look up at the sudden disappearance of Sam's smooth skin.  
Sam's hands weren't as rough and scarred as his own yet. He could see his brother getting more scarred by the day, ever since he had taken Sam with him on his hunting trips they'd gotten into fights with monsters on a daily basis. Scars were unavoidable, they came with the job. Dean felt a pang of regret as he realised that Sam would get more scars and that it was all his fault.

Sam held Dean's gaze, feeling as though he could hide himself from the world in the green pools of Dean's eyes if only he'd be able to find out how he could enter them.  
"Dean, I… Lately I've been feeling quite… strange around you. I…"  
Dean's eyes narrowed as he wondered whether Sam's state of mind could somehow be his fault, which Sam mistook for a sign of anger, causing his voice to start shaking terribly.  
"When I'm… When I'm around you I feel very insecure… I always hope I can make you happy and that you'll show me your smile… When you touch me I feel… I feel all kinds of things. When you hook up with a girl I feel jealous… When you're not with me I miss you… I just don't know what to do anymore! I need you to perform an exorcism, Dean. I need you to fix me."  
Dean stared at his teary-eyed little brother, chained to the sink on the bathroom floor of a shabby motel room. Sam had… feelings for him. Non-brotherly feelings.  
"I'm so sorry, Dean." Sam started muttering between sobs, "I didn't mean to freak you out again, I just want this to be over… Please, please fix me, Dean; I don't know what to do anymore. Please…"

Sam froze as his brother roughly wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close to his chest again.  
"Don't you do this to yourself, dammit. Don't you do this to me." Dean growled like an animal in pain.  
"I can't fix you, Sammy. I can't fix what's not broken."

Sam was too stunned to move, his face pressed against Dean's muscular chest and his brother's hand now tangled in his hair.  
"Dean… I don't know if you understand…" Sam started muttering when Dean roughly interrupted him.  
Soft, full lips locked on Sam's and took away his breath completely.  
Even though the kiss was possessive and direct, Sam could not help but notice the warmth that was flowing through him.  
He was confused, even more confused than he was a few seconds ago.  
Sam closed his eyes and felt his lips tingle under his brother's, Dean's hand making sure that he would not break the connection. Not that he'd ever want to do that…

Even though Dean didn't even use his tongue, Sam didn't remember ever feeling more aroused and content than he did now.  
When Dean broke the kiss and let his hand slide down Sam's neck, Sam was breathing hard, staring at his brother who was staring right back at him.  
"Dean… What…?"  
Dean smirked, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.  
"Our family's pretty fucked-up anyway… I, eh… If you need to be fixed, I suppose you'll need to fix me as well."


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! I want to thank you all for reading my story, adding it to your favs and for reviewing! ^^  
****I'm so sorry I haven't replied to your reviews; I'm really busy with my Bachelor Thesis atm and I completely forgot to reply to your lovely messages! Your reviews still make my day when I read them, though:)  
****So here's chapter 5, I hope you'll all enjoy reading it!**

**Lots of love, Tearsbehindthemask**

Sam didn't understand. What was Dean saying? Surely Dean wasn't as messed up as he was?  
"…Iloveyou." Sam said, his words probably incomprehensible to anyone but Dean.  
The corners of Dean's mouth twitched up for a sec as his fingers gently caressed Sam's cheek.  
"Once again, I'm probably going to hell for this… but I love you too, Sammy. I really do."  
Sam blinked, again and again, staring at the man he had admired and loved for so long.  
"I don't get it… How long… When…?"  
"Sam."  
Dean looked at his brother, eyes full of adoration. He'd never wanted to admit to anyone that he had these inappropriate feelings towards his brother; hell, he'd never even wanted to admit it to himself. The only reason he'd actually accepted it now was because of his beautiful brother sitting in front of him, tears in his adorable, hazel eyes.  
"Always, Sammy." he whispered, sealing his words with a kiss. "Always."

The avalanche of emotions that rolled over Sam threatened to suffocate him; he didn't know what to do or feel anymore.  
Dean was so close.  
Dean loved him.  
He wasn't crazy.  
Dean loved him.  
They were both crazy.

Sam clenched his fists in Dean's jacket and hid his tears by burying his face in his brother's shirt. Sam could feel Dean's amulet, a necklace that he had given his brother as a Christmas present many years ago, somewhere near his ear; the scent of Dean's shirt comforted him and when his big brother wrapped his arms around him, Sam's sobs slowly fading to sniffles.  
"Something's horribly wrong with us." Sam muttered into Dean's t-shirt.  
Dean's hands slid down to Sam's lower back and Sam looked up at Dean, characteristic smirk showing on his brother's face.  
Lowering his voice even more than usual and trying to keep himself from laughing, Dean looked Sam in the eye and dramatically proclaimed: "But baby, if this is wrong then I don't wanna be right."  
Sam blinked a couple of times and started laughing uncontrollably.  
It wasn't like the joke had been that funny, but Sam felt so relieved that he just couldn't stop laughing.  
Dean looked pretty smug and started kissing Sam's face, getting rid of the tears, tickling Sam with flicks of his tongue and rubbing his lower back.

"I love hearing you laugh, Sammy." Dean muttered, leaning his forehead against his brother's.  
Sam smiled and planted a quick kiss on his brother's lips. His cheeks flushed as Dean kept looking at him with his most seductive grin plastered on his face.  
"Has anyone ever told you that you are the most adorable man in the entire world?"  
"Dean, that's just too cheesy, even by your standards."  
They stared at each other and started chuckling again.

"So, you're Dean Winchesters girl now, eh? You should count yourself lucky." Dean teased, burying his face in Sam's neck and gently kissing the sensitive skin.  
"What? No way, I'm… ah… I'm nobody's girl, okay?"  
Dean nipped at Sam's neck, drawing out another breathless, little moan.  
"Okay, maybe you're not my girl then. But you are my baby."  
Dean emphasized his words by sliding his hands down and cupping Sam's buttocks through his jeans, Sam arching his back at his brother's touch.  
"Sammy, can I…?"

Sam answered the unspoken question by hungrily crashing his lips onto Dean's, Dean immediately responding by slipping his tongue between Sam's lips and taking over control of the kiss.  
Sam couldn't resist the force that was Dean and let himself be swept away by the other man's passion.

Dean wanted Sam closer and he lifted his brother, which took quite some effort, since his little brother had grown into a very tall and muscular man, wanting to sit him down on to his lap.  
Sam yelped in pain as the handcuffs clanged against the pipe and the metal bit into his wrist.  
"Shit. I'm sorry, Sam."  
Dean looked around for the keys and gave Sam a questioning look.  
"I left the keys on my nightstand." Sam muttered, looking away.

Dean stood up and moved away from his little brother to pick up the keys; he found them on the floor, knocked off the small surface when he'd put down the six-pack of beer.  
Sam was looking up at his brother as he walked back towards the little bathroom to free him from the sink.  
From this angle, Sam had an amazing view on his brother's body; he blushed as he saw the bulge in Dean's pants and turned his gaze towards the floor. He couldn't help but feel the heat in his own body rushing towards his loins.  
Dean hesitated for a few seconds as he looked down at his brother and enjoyed the view.

"Fuck, Sammy… If you weren't hurt and this wouldn't be the first time that I'd be allowed to touch you, I might've considered fucking you right here, right now… You really are something to look at, tied up like that…"  
Sam felt his cheeks flush and his arousal strain against his jeans.  
So he'd already found about one of Dean's kinks… And it was hot.

Dean finally squatted and unlocked Sam's handcuffs; he helped his little brother up and Sam rubbed his wrists to get rid of the nasty feeling caused by being chained to a sink for a couple of hours.  
Sam looked at Dean, unsure of what he should do now. He'd gladly sink down on his knees and free Dean's erection from his pants at this moment, but he wasn't sure how Dean would react to that.

Dean needed all of his willpower to keep him from dragging his brother to the bed right away and reminded himself of the need to take care of the cuts in Sam's arm first.  
"You sit down on the bed, Sammy. I'll go get something for your wounds."  
Sam covered his cuts with a large hand, suddenly ashamed of himself.  
"Don't do that, baby. It's okay."  
Dean kissed Sam's forehead and went looking for their store of bandages and liquor.  
Sam watched Dean rummaging around their bags and finally returning with a bottle of vodka in his left hand and a bundle of bandages in the other.  
The old mattress creaked when Dean sat down next to his brother and gently took his arm to disinfect the cuts with the vodka.  
Even though Sam had often pestered Dean about buying proper disinfectants and a complete first-aid kit, Dean had always ignored him, saying that it would just be a waste of money. He and dad had always survived their injuries without a first-aid kit, so he wouldn't buy one now either.

Sam smiled as Dean carefully tended to his cuts, lust for a moment replaced by nothing but a comfortable, fuzzy feeling in his head; the feeling of loving and being loved, of just being close to the only man who had an important place in his life and his heart.  
"Are you okay, Sammy?" Dean inquired, as Sam was staring at his arm and Dean's fingers with unfocused eyes.  
Sam smiled and reached out for Dean to envelop him in a tight hug.  
A somewhat surprised Dean responded to his little brother's sign of affection by stroking Sam's soft hair.

"I love you, Dean." Sam whispered.  
Sam could feel Dean smiling by the way the stubble on his brother's jaw tickled his cheek.  
"I love you too, baby."


End file.
